Sometimes I’m strong and happy, sometimes I’m weak and sad. Right now I’m lonely. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, there are people paired up. Grocery shopping, dining out, walking down the street. How did they do it? What’s wrong with me that I can’t do it?
I have many friends here, and when I’m with them, it’s great. But there are times when everyone is away, or busy, or just silent.
Everyone I know has someone or something more important to them. Someone for whom they will drop everything, do anything for, choose over everyone, anyone else.
Do they realize how extraordinary that is? To have found another human who is not a relative that chose them above all the other humans? It has eluded me my whole life. Other than my mom and dad, who honestly are rightly most devoted to each other, I haven’t come close to being that person in someone else’s life. Why?
Out of the 326 million people in this country alone, I’m only hoping for one. One person to enjoy that kind of devotion with. It’s heartbreaking to keep seeking and never finding. It’s bleak.
I don’t want to hear all the positivity, the same old lines well meaning friends have been offering me for years and years.
I want someone to admit there is something just wrong with me. Tell me what it is that everyone else sees or senses that keeps me alone. Don’t be kind. Just tell me what it is. I probably can’t change it, whatever this fundamentally wrong thing is, but at least I could stop wondering.
I’m feeling sorry for myself. But I’m weak and sad right now. I’m tired of lonely, of doing so many things alone, of this goddam suffocating independence.
And don’t even talk to me about those wretched dating apps, please. Just tell me what’s wrong with me.
Steffanie Is Still Here 
So let me set you straight…. there is nothing wrong with you! Although I haven’t known you long – I see a woman for all intents and purposes has her life together. Is it perfect?…no, but no one’s life is perfect. The woman I know is ambitious, adventurous, talented, creative and fearless with a beautiful smile and golden heart. You are enough and your friends value you and love you even from several states away. I think you and I have a lot in common, which we have discussed, especially in the dating conversation. We are not broken, in fact we are extraordinary which makes things a bit more difficult. We’ve got more love to give than we know what to do with, yet it eludes us. I’ve come to accept the fact that I may be on my couch alone for the rest of my life, so, I’ve turned my attentions elsewhere – ME. We’ve both got amazing friends and spending time with them is golden, but I totally understand what you mean – they go home to their people and we are left alone….with our cats (and one really cute dog). I’m working on this part because I’m not a big extrovert who will just go somewhere to be with people. I like being home, so, I’m focusing on keeping my mind busy on things I love doing and then I go to bed early and get a really good nights sleep. For what it’s worth, I’ll also toss in that I’ve stopped self medicating on all levels because I noticed it was feeding my crazy. I’m rambling at this point and don’t even know if it helps at all, but Steffanie, I see you and I love you. It sucks big time to be lonely, but you are never alone. You ROCK!!
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Ang, thank you for your words. I treasure you as a friend. We have the same struggles, and it means so much to have you to share those with. I think the same of you, and I hope for both of us that we’re not going to spend the rest of our lives only with the pets. I hope I can get to where you are with it, and stay there. Love you.
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