I’ve figured out a positive aspect of not having a boyfriend. On these unpredictably random days when I’ve got Pointless Anxiety draped over my shoulders like an ugly scarf, I don’t have anybody to project my BS onto. 

If you’re unfamiliar with Pointless Anxiety, it creeps into my rational brain and tells me that there is something wrong, it just doesn’t know what. My brain then shuffles the task of figuring out what could possibly be wrong to the top of its high priority list, and then spends all day working on it. 

If I’m single, I can’t do anything but feel poorly and hold on to the knowledge that there probably isn’t really anything wrong, and that this will pass, I just need to get through the day. It helps to be around other people, or get outside and run or ride my bike. If I’m in a relationship though, my brain immediately decides that the only possible source of my anxiety is that something is wrong with my relationship, even if everything is fine.

At first I’ll try to talk myself out of saying anything, because I know my brain is lying to me, but by 10am I absolutely cannot help myself, and I’m texting him things like, 

“Is everything OK?”

“We’re good, right?”

“Did I do something to upset you?’

“I feel weird. Is something weird going on?”

“Do you still want to be with me?”

“Is everything OK?”

And on and on for hours until he probably is seriously considering breaking up with me because I’m so anxiety-ridden and annoying. Especially if he was not yet awake or was napping when the texting started.

So, it’s much better that on Pointless Anxiety days I don’t have anyone but the cats to project on, and fortunately, they are very poor subjects. 

Still, as positive as this aspect is (don’t envy me), I can’t help but think it would be very fine if I was with a man who cared about me so much that he would take the time to understand that my depression and bouts of anxiety cause me to be a somewhat less rational person than I would normally be, and that this man, on those days when Pointless Anxiety was hanging around, would say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way today. Is there something I can do to help you feel better?” And then he would give me some chocolate and a comforting and loving hug, and assure me that yes, I am still the woman for him, cat fixation and chemical imbalance and all. 

A girl can dream. That’s me looking on the bright side.